Nuggnuts: Don't Let It Happen to You

As I was flipping through channels the other day desperately hoping for a Flavor of Love rerun, I was jolted out of my state of lethargy by what seemed to be an obscenity flashing across the screen. After gasping and some involuntary secretions of my thyroid gland, I calmed myself and realized that “nuggnuts” was actually McDonald’s latest attempt at an advertising slogan, implying that people go “nuts” over their chicken “nuggets.” Still skeptical of the meaning of this term, I did some research and found multiple definitions for “nuggnuts.” The results are as follows:

Definition 1: An antibiotic-resistant venereal disease transmitted by Ronald McDonald characterized by fungal lesions resembling the gross little onion flecks on a typical McDonald’s hamburger.

Definition 2: A juvenile insult of high vitriol content typically employed by males ages 12-14 during tests of valor, which generally include dodgeball, football, or Smear-the-Queer (or Fillet-the-Gay in some cultures).

Definition 3: A traditional Nepalese tribal competition in which two Sherpas mounted on pregnant yaks engage in a crude form of tug-o-war (nugging) while maintaining balance on the animal without a saddle or other technological advances that could possibly facilitate groin comfort (nutting).

Definition 4: An obsolete ethnic slur formerly directed towards the indigents of Trinidad and Tobago.

Definition 5: An ancient Bolivian strategy for pain infliction developed on the shores of Lake Titicaca. Although arguably analogous to the American “noogie,” the serrated edge of a pistachio is ground into the victim’s skull instead of the more benign knuckle implemented by less savage societies.

As you can see, the “nuggnut” is almost unanimously associated with devastation, anguish, corruption, and terrorism. I suggest McDonald’s stick with “I’m Lovin’ It” or something catchy like, “As long as I induce vomiting after eating here I’ll be ok aside from esophageal corrosion, electrolyte imbalance, and nasty teeth.” Because deep down, no one wants to be a nuggnut, be called a nuggnut, have a nuggnut, or be the next nuggnut victim.