Even in Stygian Conditions, Brilliance and Innovation Can Thrive

I was recently exiled to the abyss euphemistically known as Gooding, Idaho for a couple days, which gave me a refreshing perspective on how much I’m thankful to not live there. Going outside is not an option unless you want to undergo instant exfoliation from the gale-force winds, and the carcasses of hummingbirds permanently frozen to the deceptively homey feeding apparatuses are ominous reminders that “living things are not welcome here.” Except flies, which my grandpa seems to cultivate. You know how most places get snow, and it makes you gaze in wonder at the exquisite symmetry and sheer pulchritude of each flake? And if you’re feeling especially roguish, you might even stick your tongue out and let one tickle the tip? In Gooding, lethal stalactites roughly equivalent in size to walrus tusks fall from the sky, necessitating hardhats and medieval armor for every foray out the front door. Furthermore, in an effort to compensate for the Antarctic conditions, my grandpa keeps the interior of the house at roughly 350 degrees. Celsius. The local natives call it “Marvin’s Inferno,” and aside from the courageous souls known as “relatives” and high school wrestlers who need to cut weight, no one dares venture inside.

My grandpa does, however, have Cable TV, so we decided to share some valuable family time sweating and watching Dish network. Dehydrated and most likely somewhat delirious while watching Sportscenter, I was jarred out of my hallucinogenic state by banshee-like screams and numerous images of entities with abnormal quantities of body hair. A Geico commercial, perhaps? No! A preview for the movie Underworld: Revenge of the Lycans. Apparently it’s about some conflict between vampires and werewolves, so essentially throw Chewbacca into Twilight, maybe mix in some nudity, plenty of scary dark hallways, and Gothic teenagers with tongue rings, and see what happens. I know, I just spoiled the entire movie, but as an individual with a diverse background in Biology, the title intrigued me and gave me a brilliant idea for a similarly titled, yet undoubtedly higher-quality film: Undergrowth: The Rise of the Lichens. This family-friendly film would depict the shocking transformation of a desolate Arctic environment into a bastion of biotic activity made possible by the symbiotic relationship between a fungus (Katie Holmes) and a photosynthetic algae (Tom Cruise). The fungus would be completely unable to grow, think, or fend for itself, but thanks to the algae, the two fuse together into one organism, capable of slight growth over time and a meager, if not meaningless existence. The lichens, largely ignored by the rationally thinking world, are eventually joined by several other fungus-algae unions including the Travolta family, and the lichens collectively thrive on the frozen tundra, unnoticed, ostracized, and occasionally derided by everyone else during rough periods when the media has nothing else to do.

I’m a genius. Star-studded cast, obvious moral undertones, and educational at its very core. The one potential criticism is its length, which was condensed from 87 hours to a more reasonable 9 ½, but it is an epic piece that I’m sure will be embraced by the public. Besides, it’s still shorter than Lord of the Rings, and that ended up doing fairly well at the box office…