I'm Taken...For Now

It’s true. After months of heartache, hopelessness, and occasional binges involving cottage cheese, I am no longer listed as “single” on Facebook. And we all know that Facebook, along with Wikipedia and YouTube, are the only remaining websites that can be trusted in this cauldron of deceit that we live in today. Although Facebook and YouTube are unquestionably above reproach, countless college students were ushered into a state of panic and emotional upheaval when the veracity and credibility of Wikipedia was called into question by some guy named Kurt. That’s right, Kurt with a K, which not coincidentally is the first consonant in “Killer of Freedom” and “King of Anarchy,” among other unmentionable titles. After a tense few weeks in which actual scientific journals and peer-reviewed articles were cited in essays, the slanderous reports of a supposed “factual error” on Wikipedia were ultimately discredited, and the perpetrator was tarred and feathered while being forced to eat marshmallow peeps. Needless to say he did not survive, and the reign of terror was effectively truncated. But anyway, I am now listed as “In a Relationship” on my Facebook profile, which should raise some eyebrows, normally implying that I have selected a female companion worthy of my affections. Upon closer inspection, however, one will notice that I am in a relationship with My Hair. Yes, having temporarily lost all hope in suitable female companionship, I created a Facebook profile for the frock of delinquent follicles that currently reside on my scalp. This actually proved to be more of a challenge than anticipated, as My Hair needed an email address, and I had already used my other email addresses creating fake profiles for the use of seducing pathetic on-line love-seekers. But, with the indomitable spirit of a midget that is at first not allowed to ride the go-karts but eventually creates a diversion by starting a small, containable grease fire and sneaks into one of the cars undetected…and help from my friend Ty, I created a Gmail account for My Hair, further proving my perseverance, quality of life, and affinity for productive uses of time. I’ve made a commitment, and I’m not ashamed to tell the world that, for better or for worse until I get sick of it, I am growing my hair out. I may resemble an 80s Spanish soap opera star, and my hair may occasionally be mistaken for a paralyzed muskrat that collapsed on my head, but for now, that’s enough, and I couldn’t be happier. Although we are currently not registered anywhere, all well-wishes, best regards, congratulatory remarks, and shampoo products would be appreciated.